Baby Taco: 7 months
I am writing less and less and I think I need to change that. I have gotten into a rhythm with Taco and nothing really is changing except everything. He’s moving around a lot, he’s making these new noises where I know he’s trying to tell me something, I’m just not sure what. He still sleeps and eats like a champ and he’s always happy. He rarely crys and even when he does, it’s so cute.
There is no down time with him. Since he’s always happy, you have to be happy. He will be looking at a toy, smiling and then will look at you for confirmation. My cheeks hurt at the end of the day because he is constantly smiling and laughing so I am constantly smiling and laughing.
The only problem is that I am not always so happy. My mental health has taken a major spiral downwards. So much so that I actually made an appointment with a doctor. July 1st will be a month of no smoking and eating right, Taco is wonderful, my husband is even more wonderful so why am I so sad? Why am I beating myself up over everything? Why do I never feel good enough?
I watch Taco play and I envy him. He kept himself happy with a cup for 20 minutes yesterday. An empty cup. He picked it up, tried to put it in his mouth, put it back down. He was enthralled. This was apparently the coolest cup in the world. I love sitting with him. When I focus on Taco, there is no time to be sad. He’s literal sunshine. He’s so bright and happy and warm. But then I have these moments where he’s taking a nap like right now. The house is quiet. I should be working out but I’m not. I feel heavy. I feel unimportant, not good enough. There are toys on the floor and dishes in the sink and I can’t. All the sudden everything feels so hard and I have all these thoughts running around my head saying it’s not worth it and I’m not good enough. I guess this is why this doctor appointment is so important.
But then Taco wakes up. I go into his room and I am greeted with the biggest gummyest smile and all the bad thoughts go away. The sun is back. And then suddenly I have the energy to do stuff again. I am playing with him, I am picking up around the house, folding laundry and being the best I can be.
Mental health is such a hard thing to figure out. Am I relapsing in my PPD? Should I be embarrased if I am taking medication? Am I just crazy and should I be locked away with padded walls? I want to feel better. I want so badly to be the best mom and wife for my 2 boys. They deserve a healthy woman. I have come this far with the no smoking and healthy eating and I feel like going to the doctor now about my mental health is like the last piece of the puzzle. I need to figure out what’s going on. I need to tell myself that taking medication does not make me weak. It won’t make me weak. It will make me feel better. I deserve to feel better. I deserve to be happy, even when the sun is away.