Baby Taco: 5 months, 4 weeks
When Taco was little, the nurses were amazed at how well he was in the NICU. Even with all the wires and needles poking him, he stayed quiet. He rarely cried. When we brought him home it did not take long for Taco to start sleeping through the night. Even now, my husband and I are tired, but we still get a full nights sleep.
However, this weekend was one to be remembered. He still slept through the night but he would have these terrible moments of just crying. His diaper was clean, his tummy was full but the tears kept coming. I would hold him, my husband would rock him and walk around the house but nothing seemed to work. Last night when we put him in bed, he woke up. He was even making sad crying noises in his sleep, (video posted below). Nothing seemed to work!
Desperate and at this point, close to tears myself, I called my mom. She said that he needs to “cry it out”. Essentially we are only allowed to go in every 10 or so minutes, rub his back, fix him in his bed and then leave. It is a way for him to learn how to self soothe. Of course the first round of 10 minutes he was already fast asleep. All is well and when he woke up this morning he had a huge poop in his diaper so maybe he had a bit of a tummy ache.
Either way, it did not stop my mind from going to all sorts of negative places. Why was he sad? Is he not happy here? Are we bad parents? The thoughts kept coming until I had to walk away and have my own, “cry it out”, session.
Taco turns 6 months on Friday. He os starting to scoot, he’s rolling everywhere and wanting to see and be a part of everything. I think he may be starting to get frustrated. He has this whole house and yet he is confined to either an air mattress, his bouncer and high chair. He still can’t sit up on his own and he wants to be so badly.
I have said before that I look at Taco like a giant super computer. His mind is in this state of constant growing and learning. I would imagine this would be pretty overwhelming. He sees me and my husband get up, walk around, eat food that smells a whole lot better than his mashed fruits and oatmeal. He’s not babbling as much as last month. At first I was worried but now looking at him he’s not babbling because he doesn’t have things to say, he listening. When my husband and I talk, Taco is intensely listening. He will smile when I smile, his eyes dart from me to my husband depending on who is talking. He watches tv. He gets excited when the tv gets louder or softer. His mind must be constantly racing with all the new information.
I get it. I wish I could tell Taco how much I get it. The world can be a lot to handle. It only makes sense that when you’re so emotionally and physically exhausted that you cry. There is so much more to see and to learn and Taco is finally scratching the surface of this world. His movements are becoming more focused. His acts are more deliberate. His super computer is getting bigger and bigger everyday!
So now we have frustration. We have tears. It is hard now because I am also learning. I have to let him cry. I have to put him down and let him have his fit. He needs to learn how to fix himself without cuddles or listening to the entire Hamilton Soundtrack. I’m not saying that with this new thing of having him cry it out means I’m never going to pick him up again because that’s just not true. Snuggling him when he’s sad makes both of us feel better. But when he’s screaming and crying for no reason, maybe it’s ok to put him down and let him find his own ways of fixing it.
I don’t know. 6 months later and the feeling of holding him all day still sounds like heaven to me. But I will be strong and we will see how it goes.