Baby Taco: 5 months, 4 weeks
So a couple days ago my friend came over to watch Greys Anatomy. Now back in the day when Thursday would roll around we would gather as much junk food as possible. Cigarettes were lined up and ready to go. We would get giggly with anticipation waiting for our show to start. It would be followed by discussion of the episode, more smoking and even more giggling. Our Thursdays were ours.
Well this past Thursday was a bit different. I didn’t go to work. My hand has been really hurting me making it hard to massage so I took the day off. I had my friend come to my house. But things are different now with the baby. Instead of our smoke breaks, we played with Taco. Instead of packing on the junk food, we had to wait until my husband came home so we could go out. And our uninteruppted hour of Grey’s was taken away by getting Taco ready for bed, feeding him, changing him and putting him to sleep.
After the show was over, I walked my friend to her car to say our goodbyes. We stood by her car, leaning up having our last smoke of the night and looking around. She made the comment of how I was living in suberbia. I look around and I see all the other houses that look just like mine. Some have basketball hoops, some have cute decorative flags waving outside their homes. You could hear pet dogs barking in the distance.
How did I get here? I have had that damn Talking Heads song stuck in my head since she left on Thursday. How did I get this beautiful house, my beautiful husband and even more beautiful baby? Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. I have mornings where I wake up and it takes a couple of minutes for my life to sink in. First I will see my husband sleeping next to me, then I notice that we are no longer in an apartment with loud neighbors above us and finally I hear the soft hum of the baby monitor. That last part always still surprises me.
I will stay in bed until I hear him start to move around. I always have the same thoughts of, “I just want to stay in bed forever! Do I really have to get up?”. But I do and even though at the time being in bed is the best feeling, walking into Taco’s room and being greeting by that gummy smile makes my heart melt.
Is it odd that I have these feelings? The feeling of this life is not my own? Like I really wonder what I did to get so lucky? Yes, there is the normal culprit of “hard work pays off”, but really, how do all these things line up to make life work just so?
My husband told me once that so many things had to happen for us to meet and even if one thing would have been out of place, it probably would not have happened. We joke that what would have happened if Taco was not the fastest sperm in the bunch and we instead got a Burrito? Or if Taco was full term and didn’t have his stay in the NICU?
My life could have been completly different. We often say, “oh if I could go back and change….”. But think about it. How did you get here? Think of the people you know and how you met them. Think of your Thursday nights sitting in front of the TV waiting for your show to come on. We think that things are better on the other side. That if we had only done this one thing, our lives would be so much different. But is different better? I don’t know.
Like what would have happened that instead of breaking my engagement with my ex and calling my now husband to hang out never happened. Where would I be? Sometimes life is rough. We ask why things are one way or another. Why is life so hard? So frustrating? But it is ours to have. How did I get here? I’m not quite sure. Do I like my life? Not all the time. Would I change it? Not in a million years.