Baby Taco: 4 months, 2 weeks
There is this show on Netflix titled “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a girl who commits suicide and leaves behind tapes of why she did it and what lead her to make her decision. I have 2 episodes left in the series but I decided to talk about it now because it needs to be talked about.
We were all in high school at one point. We had friends who we no longer speak with, romances that fizzled out and if you’re lucky, you still have that one friend from that time that you still keep in contact with.
When I was in high school I thought I had it all figured out. I dated this boy who was an artist. We were in love. I was convinced we were going to get married and be together forever. When my parents decided that we were going to move to Florida, my life was crushed. Did they not realize that they were tearing me away from my soulmate?!
But they weren’t. Turns out he was gay. He’s happy now from what I can see on social media and we have not spoken in many years. It is good to see him happy. That’s all I would want for him.
So 13 reasons. I have struggled through depression. I used to cut my wrists, take pills, drink but never enough to cause actual damage. There was always something to hold me back. I remember my mom telling me that high school will not last forever. There is so much more to life. So I always stopped. As much as I felt like I wanted to die, I never did it. I didn’t have the balls to.
When I was still in Jersey I had a friend. On a Friday my boyfriend and I were singing and playing guitar when my friend came over to sit and listen. He wanted my boyfriend to teach him a song, (Broken-Seether). We sat all through study period learning and laughing. My friend was handsome, popular, we had not connected in a long time because he was part of the “cool kids” and my boyfriend and I were I guess labeled as “goth” kids. Yes, there was a time where I wore black lipstick and a spiked collar like it was my job. Anyway, we hung out the whole period. We laughed, he got the first couple of bars to the song and the bell rang. That was it. We said our goodbyes.
That Monday I walk into school and everyone was crying. Turns out my friend and another one of his friends stole their parents car, drove as fast as they could and hit a telephone poll. A note was found at the scene. His friend somehow survived but my friend had not. He was dead.
13 reasons why. I remember for a long time how angry I was. Why would he do this? It was right before Christmas break. Why did he think this was a good idea. He was always so happy. And he was so popular. He was so loved. When the news reported the accident they talked about him like he was not even a real person. “Witnesses say that he was playing guitar with friends and seemed so happy”. He was happy. To this day, I will never know why he did that.
I wonder where he would be now if he didn’t take his life. Would we still be friends? Would he have gotten married, had kids, worked in the city? I look back at high school and I think of myself in the bathroom. Heavy black eyeliner, sobbing my eyes out, razor in hand and I feel so lucky. I didn’t die. Even when I begged to die it never happened and I am so thankful.
At first I wanted to use this post and say my 13 reasons why I am depressed and why I’m sad but as I keep writing I can’t stop but think about the 13 reasons of why I’m not sad. Of why I want to keep living:
1. My husband: My best friend, my real soulmate. The amazing father to our son. He makes me laugh like no one else and still finds ways to surprise me.
2. Taco: He lights up my world. It’s hard to feel worthless when you have a human who depends entirely on you.
3. My parents and siblings: My siblings were my first best friends. My first reponsibilies. I love seeing them grow up. My parents are forever my source of advice and comfort. High school me may have not appreciated them but adult me can’t live without them.
4. A and J: My 2 best friends from college. They have been with me through hell and back. Watched me fall in love, stood with me on my wedding day and love Taco with their whole heart. I love them like family.
5. D and A: D was my first friend to get married and have kids of his own. We grew from drunk nights to bottle feeds. His wife is amazing and now I can’t imagine being without our double dates and hangouts.
5. My Cats/animals: Before Taco, I had my cats and before that I had a dog. They are my original babies.
6. Music: Hearing new things or hearing old things always has a way of bringing up memories. Some good, some bad but always beautiful.
7. Good food: Self explanatory but nothing can turn a frown upside down than biting into your favorite food.
8. The beach/any water: Swimming has always been my safe haven. The feeling of being weightless and the ocean air is an immediate mood booster.
9. Movies/TV That Make You Cry: To be able to feel is a gift.
10. Coffee: Nothing quite compares to that first warm sip after a rough day.
11. Work: I made friends, I feel accomplished, I learn. Sure it sucks being away from home but making money is always a good thing.
12. Shaved legs and fresh sheets: Always remember the little things in life.
13. M: Now this may surprise some of you. Even now as I write this, I can’t quite believe it myself. My relationship with this one was one of abuse. Horrid unspeakable abuse that many of you may not know. In fact my husband learned of some of it just yesterday. It is something I don’t talk about anymore but I wanted to thank you M. For making me realize my worth. That I have a choice. That I am loved and that I beautiful. You put me in a bad place and I am forever healing from the damage you caused but I survived. So thank you.
I wish I could have saved my friend from dying. I wish I could have seen his suffering. I wish I could have told him that there is so much beauty in the world and that high school is just a small blip on his timeline.
I want all of my friends today to think of their reasons. It doesn’t have to be 13, maybe just 3 or 1 that makes life worth living. I want all the people that read this to know that you’re loved.
If struggling, please reach out. Talk to someone and know, things get better.
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