Baby Taco: 4 months, 1 week
Having a baby is stressful in the most wonderful ways. Sure you are forever worried for the rest of your life and you may never truly relax again but I would not change it for anything. Taco is my world. My husband and I made a pretty great kid.
But more often than not, I doubt myself. When I was pregnant I was glued to google. Every symptom, every kick, every feeling I got, I was addicted to looking up what it meant. Google is evil though and while Taco had his problems when he first came into the world, he’s fine now. That does not however stop me from looking up milestones, where he is supposed to be on his percentiles and how he’s growing.
When I talk to my friends and vent I always get the same answer, “you’re doing a good job”. Taco is the happiest baby I have ever seen. So it makes me feel good. But then those thoughts rear its ugly head and I am the worst mother in the world.
The advice doesn’t help either. Then, I feel like, shit, I should have known that or why didn’t I research more. My mind becoming my own worst enemy until I am overwhelmed to tears. But then I look at him. And he is fine. Maybe I am doing a good job.
I started my new job on Monday and I go back today and tomorrow for training. I am excited. I want to be out of the house, I want to make money, I want it all. Even after my interview my now boss said, I did a good job. But does she see how frantic I was? Did she notice that I had a vice grip on my phone waiting for an emergency call? No, she just saw what I can do. Which is good. I like being the best. At work I know I can do a good job. I can get that instant gratification. My clients won’t know about my PPD or my raging anxiety. My job as a massage therapist is to make them relax and to assure them that they are in fact, doing a good job.
Maybe I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have problems having everything be right because eventually, it could all go wrong. When I tell people that Taco sleeps through the night I hear, “well enjoy while you can because it won’t last forever!”. So then I still wake up all hours of the night to make sure he’s ok. And he is. Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be happy with all the good going on?
Bad things happen. It is part of life. I know that one day Taco will get hurt or not sleep or get sick. But it’s not happening right now. Right now he’s having his morning nap. He has a full belly, he smiled at me, he is starting to laugh. He’s happy. While he can’t verbalize how he’s feeling, that smile is all the gratification I need to feel like, maybe I am doing a good job.
I need to stay off the internet. I need to stop worrying. I need to just let life be life and enjoy. I’m doing a good job, even if I don’t always believe it.