Baby Taco: 4 months
If you can believe it, I already have people asking me when baby number 2 is coming! People say, “oh well he can’t be an only child”, “he will need a friend”, “if you have an only child, he will grow up to be weird”. I have a couple of problems with this though. Other than the fact that he just turned 4 months, I have already thought about not having another kid.
Being pregnant for me was awful and scary. When I was 12 weeks pregnant, I was rushed to the hospital for bleeding. I was at work because I was not feeling well and I went to the bathroom and pulled down my pants to see blood. It saturated my underwear, my pants, my legs. It was bad. We thought we had lost him who at the time, we didn’t even know it was a him!
Turns out though it was just a subchorionic hemorrhage that is apparently pretty typical in the first trimester of pregnancy. After that I developed high blood pressure, swollen feet, my mobility was severely affected and my anxiety was a mess.
His birth was traumatic. No one wants a baby born early. Even a couple days parents worry. Taco was born 6 weeks early. He was in the NICU for 2 weeks. He was poked prodded, spinal tapped, monitors hooked up to his head and chest. He stopped breathing. I had to go home without him. Bringing him home was like walking on eggshells because we had no idea how he would do without them.
My husband and I have also talked about not having another one because Taco is so perfect. He sleeps through the night, rarely has meltdowns and is overall a great baby. Why would we want to have someone else? Or what happens if the second kid is a monster with colic or reflux and crys nonstop. My husband and I enjoy our 8 hours of sleep we get from Taco.
On the other hand, I think about a couple that my husband and I are friends with. At first when I heard she was pregnant again I was like, “Oh man having 2 babies under 2, that sounds impossible”. I thought they were crazy! But we went out with them this weekend. She looks amazing and is starting to develop the cutest bump. Her husband was smiling and there was a point where he rubbed her belly and I found myself envious. I think I miss that. That feeling of growing a human. That giddyness of being pregnant and sharing that with my husband. They looked tired but they looked happy.
Honestly, if it were not for those 2, Taco may not have happened. Meeting their son did something to me. I had another friend who also had a son too around the same time who also had an effect but nothing like this kid. I went to college with Baby Ls dad and it was crazy to see the guy who shared drunk nights with and silly stories is now a dad, and a really good dad at that. I remember looking at my husband and driving home from meeting my friends baby and having the talk of going off of the pill.
I think of my siblings. I have 2 that are younger than me. Being their big sister is wondeful. I adore them and I am so proud of them. My sister works with deaf kids, moved out of the house, has a boyfriend and is graduating college soon. Seeing her grow into the woman she is gives me a feeling nothing short of pride. The same goes for my brother. He’s 17 and thinks he has life figured out. I remember that feeling so clearly. Graduating high school and feeling like I was grown. No clue that high school was easy, everything that comes after is the hard part. My brother though is so smart. He will learn and I will get to continue to see his transformation into manhood.
My husband has 2 older stepsisters. He said he wishes they were closer but having them live in different home he said was hard. He does say though that he loves them too.
I had a dream the other night where there was a much older Taco, (maybe 4 or 5), came up to me and placed his head on my belly. I don’t remember anything else but these blonde curls laying on me waiting to feel kicks. I woke up in a panic touching my stomach and looking at the baby monitor.
I know it is possible to have many babies and love them all equally but I look at Taco and can’t imagine sharing him with anyone else. I’m sure other parents have thought this too but on the same hand, I could not live without my siblings. They were my partners in crime growing up and my source of pride now that they are older.
I have time obviously. There are so many more factors than just having unprotected sex. We need money, we need more stability and honestly, I need Taco to be out of diapers. I refuse to change more than one bottom at a time!