Baby Taco: 3 months, 3 weeks
I grew up in a family that always gave hugs and kisses. Even parts of my extended family. We are always hugging, always kissing and always touching in some way. I don’t know if it has to do with being from Jersey or being Jewish but we always expressed ourselves with a slap to the arm when something’s exciting, a knee squeeze or a push or my favorite, interlocking hands with a person who is telling a funny story. Having a loved one there to express emotions was always a calming force for me.
When I first met my husband I remember him telling me about his day. It in turn, made me think of something and in my excitement, I slapped his arm and pushed him. Not hard, but just enough for him to give me that confused look. His family is much quieter, much more reserved. When he gets off the phone with them, sometimes he doesn’t even say, I love you. I thought, wow, I can’t believe other people don’t assault their family when they have something good to say. It is just so foreign to me.
Touching was my way of learning. In school, I had to see someone do it first and then I could easily replicate. Playing trumpet, I just needed to hear it, see the valve placements and then I was good to go. Sitting behind a desk I felt stagnant. My mind would constantly race, my feet would start tapping. Concentrating was hard. In college, my friends had taken ADHD medication to help them study and write a paper. It was supposed to keep them alert and focused. Curious, I took one too and had the best sleep of my life while my friends stayed wired and focused. So maybe I have some undiagnosed attention disorder. Either way, I know what keeps me focused and it’s moving.
When I got into massage I thought, now here is something I could do. I am working my body, I am with people on a one on one environment and I have the calming energies to slow my mind down. I started my journey obviously to help people but to also help myself.
After graduating I worked at a center that had great clients but one of the worst bosses in history. She filled me with such anxiety, it made coming to work unbearable. Then I found my saving grace at the chiro office. There I did medical massage. Feeling the different injuries, learning about various pathologies was invigorating.
When I got pregnant, my mobility was severely affected. Almost instantly, it was hard to move. My feet swelled, my back hurt. I thought my dream of massage was dead. I went to working behind a desk. It sucked.
After Taco was born, I wanted to be a stay at home mom so badly. I didn’t want to have to work and I wanted to stay with Taco. At the same time, I craved being with people again. Having something to distract my worrying thoughts about Taco. So last week I went on an interview. My friend works at a pretty spa downtown and I thought if anything it might just be good to get dressed up and out of the house.
The spa of course was beautiful. The owner was so nice. She gave me the basic interview questions and we talked. I felt pretty good. Then she said that I was to do my neck, back and shoulders routine on her. I left the room to wash my hands.
When I massage, I think of it like a dance. The muscles of a person’s body leading me where to go. All the attachment points my hands gliding over. It is my ultimate form of stress relief to provide touch to someone else. When I walked into the room there she was. I was so nervous. Would she know how out of practice I was? What happens if I suck now?
I put the lotion on my hands, closed my eyes and went for it. Like riding a bike, it all came back to me! I pressed and kneeded the trigger points, I used my elbows, knuckles, forearms and hands to make her back as smooth as glass. It was exhilarating to work on someone again.
2 days ago I got a job offer. It’s only 3 days a week but that’s fine because I don’t want to be too far from Taco. My husband said he will be home on those days.
I don’t know why I am so nervous about taking the job. I feel like now the pressure is on. I have to help support my family. If I have to be away from Taco, then it needs to be for a good reason. Normally I jump in head first to a new adventure, now I find myself being a little more reserved. I want to do well. I want to be able to show my husband and Taco that I can do this.
For Taco, I want to teach him that to touch is ok. That his moms job is not some taboo thing. It’s a good lesson to teach him when he’s older about consent and feelings. Now I am trying to teach him about the world through touch. I will give him massages to relax his newly developing muscles. I will have him touch his face touch his toes and have him touch my face too. I can see on his face the dots slowly connecting that his hands are actually his hands. He now touches the top of his head in wonder. Like he can’t believe that he is this whole person.
I’m reading over this post and I see that I have like several different stories. Sorry about that. My mind is buzzing with all sorts of thoughts. Here’s a picture of Taco watching Moana last night…great movie by the way.