Baby Taco: 3 months, 2 weeks
I have been in the working world since I was 16. It started with working weekends as a preschool teacher for hebrew school. I worked at Walgreens my senior year of high school, had work study jobs and Publix in college and everything in between since then. I have only been fired once and that was because I told my boss how unhappy I was, (oops). Since having Taco, work has definitely taken a backseat. I was given the oppurtunity to work from home but things became to difficult holding a baby in one hand and typing with the other.
Last week a coworker came to pick up the laptop I had been working on. I assumed this was it. They are firing me. I was devestated but also relieved. I understand that money is tight but I am still having so much trouble with putting the baby down or being away from him.
My husband and I talk about maybe finding something for me to do at night. I am a licensed massage therapist and it is easy money. I also love it. I could find something on the weekends, have the husband watch him, make money and be out of the house. But my fear was holding me back.
Last night, I took a leap of faith and applyed somewhere. I woke up this morning to them wanting to schedule an interview. It’s hard to breathe. When I got pregnant my mobility was severely affected. I could barely walk by the end. Can I still massage? Am I good enough?
Since Taco came home and took his first bath he has gotten massages. At first he hated them. The lotion was cold, his skin was still not used to touch. As the weeks and months have gone by, he has really started to love it. I rub his little feet, I do trigger point therapy on his shoulders and help him stretch out his legs and work his newly developing muscles. He has gone from his legs being bunched up in the fetal position to learning how to keep his legs relaxed. I am forever proud of his progress and his massages make me feel like we are really bonding.
My dad said that maybe a part time job would be good for me. Especially going back to massage. He makes fun of me for being a “dirty hippie”, but he said it could really help with me feeling like a person again. I miss massage. I miss making my own money.
I wish I could explain to Taco what I’m doing. If I get this position it will only be part time but I will still be away from him. I wish I could tell him that I am doing this so I can give him whatever he wants. I wish I could tell him that I’m doing this so we can get more things for the house. Maybe finally decorate his room, get fresh paint. Make a home for Taco. I wish it didn’t cost so much money.
I feel gulity either way. If I don’t work then we don’t have money and my husband will have to get a second job but I would get to spend all my time with Taco. If I do work, then I feel like Taco may feel abandoned. I know he won’t though. My husband is an excellent father and it’s not like he is not capable of taking care of his son. I am just freaking out. I have to center myself.
I think I am getting ahead of myself. It is only an interview. There are still so many things to think about. I am excited though. Terrified but excited.