Baby Taco 3 months, 1 week
Motherhood is lonely. I get up after my husband leaves, take a shower, have some breakfast, drink my coffee and wait for Taco to get up. After that, I have a continuous running narrative of everything I’m doing so Taco and I have something to talk about. Then my husband comes home and we work together and play with Taco until he goes to bed. Then we go to bed. Rinse, repeat.
Sometimes the monotony is broken up by someone coming to visit or we go out but for the most part, that is my day. When you first get pregnant, all your friends are there. You get a ton of support, you still go out, talk to the people that mean the most to you. They always say, “whatever you need, we are there for you! You can do it”.
When Taco was born and he stayed in the NICU, again, friends were right there drying tears, being an ear to listen to, work was there, I had my distractions.
3 months later now and I have maybe 4 friends. One I see once a week, the other is harder because she’s a teacher, I have a couple who has a little boy as well but they live a little farther away and I have a couple of work people that still keep in touch with me. I had a friend and her boyfriend who we would visit almost every weekend, have drinks, laugh, get silly with, but once Taco was born I got a “congrats”, and that was the end of that.
I’m hurt. In my mind I try to tell myself that it’s normal. Not everyone is going to want to be a part of the baby train. It’s overwhelming trying to have a good time with a baby. I see everyone’s Facebooks and see my once friends traveling, going out, having new adventures and I’m here, cleaning spit up from my hair.
It’s not that I want their lives. I hate drinking, large crowds make me nervous and I really don’t like going out, (as per previous post). I guess I just wonder what happened. These people at one point or another were the most important people in my life and after college, after a new job, after Taco, they just disappeared. They are only a stauts update for me to like.
I’m not saying that I want my old life back because I don’t. What I am saying is that maybe it’s time for me to take Taco out, meet other moms, have someone to relate to. The friends that have stuck by me are the best, but they all work their 9-5’s and I miss them. There’s got to be groups or something of moms who are learning to adjust to parenthood right? Mom’s who are feeling a bit lost, a bit lonely?
I am sure it has to do with this damn PPD talking but sometimes when Taco is having a nap I just want to cry. I’m not using my brain anymore. I miss working. I emailed my boss begging for her to give me something to do at home but I am afraid of letting her down. I have time but not enough. My day is Taco. Even as I sit on the couch to write, I am listening to him move and coo on the monitor. Focusing is hard. My husband says I am doing a great job. I feel like I am. Taco is clean, fed, is played with and is loved more than anyone I have ever seen before. But what about me?
I don’t mean to sound selfish but damn. I would love to get a haircut, maybe an eyebrow wax and especially a brazillian, (post baby jungle). I would love to feel pretty when I do have the small opportunities to see my friends. I would love to talk about something other than him but that’s my life. His changing table is my new office. That’s work. The office drama now is how he peed on the wall rather than talking about who’s hooking up with who. A lot of my friends don’t want to hear about that. But are they really friends in the first place?
My best friend, the one who I see once a week is not a “baby person”. I was so worried that after I had Taco, she would stop coming around. Obviously, I don’t see her as much but our conversations haven’t changed. She lets me talk about the “office drama” of Taco having a diaper blowout. She lets me rant and rave and sound absolutely nuts when I talk about him, my husband and my dreams of one day returning to work. The advice has changed. She doesn’t have any. She is in the prime of her life right now with a great job and a sweet boyfriend. Kids are not something she thinks about. What she does think about though is me. It’s nice having her because it’s not all about Taco. She wants to know how I’m doing, not as a mom, but as a person. I am lucky to have her.
Maybe this is what it’s all about. Not everyone is going to be your friend. Not everyone is going to care about you the way you care about them. Maybe it has to do with finding the people that want to grow with you. I may have only a handful of people, but it’s a pretty amazing handful. To the people that have stuck by me, Taco and the husband, thank you. For my friends who I don’t talk to anymore but still will hit “like” on Facebook, thank you. And for the people who read this, thank you.