Baby Taco: 3 months, 6 days
I am the biggest introverted extrovert you will ever meet. In college, I rarely went to clubs, barely drank and had a small tight knit group of friends. My friends essentially had to drag me kicking and screaming to go out. Once out though, I came alive. I loved being the center of attention. I had to make people laugh. It’s what I know. I’m good at it. I try to talk to as many people as I can and make sure everyone got equal attention. Being out made me uncomfortable though. Large crowds tend to steer me away. I rely on being funny so that way people don’t really have to look at me. It’s what works.
Having a kid though, the spotlight is always on or at least always on your kid and what you’re doing with the kid. The attention never stops. A small drive to the store turns into, “How old is he?”, “What’s his name?”, I have even been asked more personal questions from strangers like, “Are you breastfeeding?”, “Was he born vaginally or csection?”. Like calm down, I am just trying to buy toilet paper.
I don’t like bringing him out. Not because it’s a bitch getting him in and out of a carseat, (which it is), but because I have all these irrational fears not only for him but for me. I get nervous when people approach me. I know it may be hard to believe because I will always be friendly but it fills me with such anxiety, I almost have to make a joke or be super nice so I don’t break down into tears. Now that I have him, I feel like it has gotten worse because I now have another excuse not to leave my house.
Tonight though, I am going out. Just me. No husband, no baby. I have done this 2 other times before. Luckily, my friend knows and understands my crazy. She lets me talk all about him and call my husband every hour. She knows that when it’s time to leave, it’s time. Even when we were in college, she would make fun of me, but never pushed me to go out. It’s hard because I wish I could relax. My mind though is constantly on Taco. I know he is safe with my husband, I mean, he’s Taco’s dad, he knows what he’s doing but I just think about every possible bad thing that could happen.
Tomorrow will be a bigger test. My mom is coming and my huband wants to go all the way downtown to go out. Several hours that Taco will be without his parents. I am already thinking of ways I can get out of it. How horrible does that sound? Getting out of being with people that love me. I just hate being away from Taco. I’m not working right now so I spend my days with just him. He’s a great conversationalist but I get lonely. And then I feel guilty.
Breathe in. I can go out. My husband is a phenomenal father and my mom is a perfect grandma. Breathe out. Nothing bad will happen to him. He is safe and will be fed and will be happy. Breathe in. I deserve to relax. Breathe out. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel guilty. Breathe in.