Baby Taco: 12 weeks, 6 days
If I could afford it, I would be in school for the rest of my life. A professional student. I love the smell of a classroom. I love fresh textbooks no scribbled on yet with highlighters and notes. It’s that thrill of something new. I never want to stop learning.
I hate stagnation. I can’t stay at a job once it gets monotonous. I can’t sit still when I work. I need to be moving and talking to people. My friend calls it, “the career of the month”. I always start out with, “So I’m thinking of….”. I am always looking at the new adventure. I thrive on the stress.
My most recent endeavor would be going back to school to learn sonography. Or be a nurse. I can never choose. I have a passion for medical. The mystery of finding whats wrong. When I was pregnant, I was always reading about fetal development. When he came out I was studying everything I needed to know about premies, brain bleeds, learning about all the machines, asking questions about every single thing they were doing to him. It scared the shit out of me. But I needed to know. I had to know. It was terrifying and facinating and oddly beautiful. The calming blue lights if the incubator, the rhythmic beeping of the machines. The accuracy and chaos of every single nurse that would come and speak with us and then go to the next cot just inches from ours and have a completely new narrative. There was life and loss and this seemless synchronization that was intoxicating. My brain was overflowing to the point of anxiety but I tried to never let it show.
The second you come out of the NICU and sitting outside waiting for the car, that’s when it hits you. The silence. No more beeping. The stillness. Just the occasional car or person passing by. That’s when I have to be buried in my phone reading about what happens next.
That’s why I write. I don’t do this when he’s awake. I do it when it’s quiet. My husband has left for work. The baby is still sleeping. I can dump everything that’s been gathering in my brain from the night before. Through my thought dump, I can make room for more information. I can read more articles. Learn more about baby development. Fill the spaces with something new.
Life is not an article though. No matter how much I have read, there is nothing that prepares you for parenthood. It is the perfect job for me. Never sitting, never relaxing and constantly, CONSTANTLY learning. I watch my son and it is like watching a computer being built. He will lay on his back or tummy. His eyes glaze over almost like a video that is buffering. He has a couple seconds of that. He won’t make eye contact, won’t move and then bam! He’s picking his head up so high that I am ready for him to start crawling. The focus suddenly becoming so squared in. His movements becoming more coordinated everyday.
My husband and I took him to Target yesterday. This was his first time in a store. But think about it. His first time with all those people, all those things. The amount of brainwork to compartmentalize and understand everything that was going on. From the car ride at night, with the fascination of the street lamps to putting his carseat in the shopping cart. To be in a bright red shopping cart! This kid is learning and feeling everything all at once!
What makes me love him even more though is how he handled himself. Taco did not cry once when we were out. We walked around the store and there Taco was, “buffering”. Wide eyed, not moving much, just taking it all in. His super computer filling with more sights, sounds and smells. It’s a privilege to watch. To see someone grow. To learn alongside with them. My husband and I are truly lucky.