Baby Taco: 12 weeks, 4 days
One night when I was a junior in college, it rained. Not one of those light sprinkles, I mean really rained. The lights were flickering, the smell of old mildew got into all of our noses and we all rushed to save the work we were doing on the laptop before we would eventually lose power. I had just stared dating my now husband and was still so unsure of a lot of things. Rain always makes you reflect inward and take it all in.
My roommate and a couple of friends and I had a choice. We could either stay in the dorm, huddled up under blankets or we could go outside.
When the rain hits your body, it is a shock to the system. It’s cold so it hits your lungs. For me, that’s when I take the deepest breath. I see clearer, the fog lifts and things start to just make sense. My roommate and friends run outside like children. We splashed in puddles, laughed, got completly soaked and then the sudden realization that your ass is freezing and it’s time to go inside. But we ignored our bodies. Instead we walked up the stairs and lit our cigarettes and talked. All of us breathless and shivering, we were still all giddy from the high of being outside. Then I remember, I don’t know if I actually said it out loud to them but right then and there I knew that my new boyfriend was going to be the guy I married.
On the day of our wedding, we were supposed to have a beautiful outdoor ceremony with a gazebo overlooking the water. Well, an hour or 2 before the ceremony, it poured. So much for that. Even though this time I didn’t run out to play, (my hair and makeup looked good!), I still had that moment of clarity of, yes, I am making the right choice.
This morning, I woke up and felt like I was still dreaming. My husband was still sleeping, my arm wrapped around him and I looked and saw my baby on the monitor. I heard the rain on our roof of our house that we just bought weeks before he was born. My cats were snuggled up near our feet and a feeling of calm came over me. All the stress, all the problems in the world did not exist. My life, with all the drama, the worry about work, the doubtful feelings of motherhood were all gone in that one moment. It was just us. 27 years old and I have a family. Things have not always been easy but wow, has it been worth it. I’m with the guy who I’ve been in love with since I was 18, we have a beautiful home and now we have this amazing child.
My hope is that when Taco is older he is not afraid of thunder or lightning. I hope that he is able to embrace the clouds and take it all in for what it is. I hope he finds comfort in the sound of rain on his roof. I hope it gives him peace. I can’t wait until the day I can put him in little rain boots and we can run outside. Let him open his mouth to taste the rain on his tounge. Let him have that freedom to scream and dance and then when his body is shivering and his lips are turning blue, know that he has the warmth of his parents arms to bring him back inside.